i'm waiting for moments that never come
it's funny because...
i have this idealized version of what sitting down to write looks like.
sun pouring through a big open window, sitting at a clean massive desk with my laptop and a cup of coffee, feeling at peace. solid ground.
that never happens, which is why i haven’t written for eight months.
i never write anymore because i’m looking for some version of peace that does not exist for me right now. i have everything at my disposal to make that scenario happen except the inner feeling of peace and calmness that ultimately surrounds and supports that scene.
it’s a calmness and comfort that i crave. a version of perfection that is driven by movies and media.
i envy people who are able to experience things in life, big or small, then find ways to share them through writing, video or imagery. i’m always striving to be on that level but i never seem to be able to reach it.
probably because that ‘level’ doesn’t exist.
if i’m being real with myself, i probably search for the gratification of numbers that we’ve grown so attached to.
if i post something and it doesn’t perform, what is my worth? i know my brain is so powerful, why doesn’t it translate on paper the way that i would hope it could?
irrespective of the references that i face every day on social media, it does perform. constant comparison has become second nature both consciously and subconsciously.
i care to partake in the oversharing economy. that’s why i write, that’s why i post instagram stories, isn’t it?
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i’m rarely able to capture the conversations i have with myself. my brain is my powerhouse but feels like a completely different entity to me.
i’ve captured some fleeting moments with myself as the months have gone by.
2023 was for understanding the practice of being present
2024 was for the actioning of recurring thoughts
and 2025 will be for the combination of the two (???)
here are some of the thoughts i’ve been able to capture from my brain:
i’m tired of all the things i haven’t done for myself
i complain about how quickly time passes, then when it passes slowly it’s unbearable
i finally understand what everything everywhere all at once feels like
resistance has become the biggest indicator of a need for change
i talk to you in my head, and i update you in my dreams
i catch myself smiling all the time
i love that last one, i don’t feel that way now but knowing that i have previously is powerful.
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i made a lot of hard decisions this year.
i left my job this year to start my own thing. i pictured all this free time to work on myself, and on my writing but none of that happened.
i made myself in control of my own time but i still can’t focus on anything that’s truly my own.
i’ve always said my purpose is to uplift others, help them get to where they need to go. i’ve internalized it so much that i don’t even know how to focus on myself anymore.
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last year was for asking questions, this year was for answering them and next year will be for sitting in those decisions.
lots of love,
hannah
