ugh, i'm the worst
when you feel like you're the worst person in the world
”i wasted so much time worrying about what could go wrong. but what did go wrong was never the things i was worried about”
- the worst person in the world, 2021
so i watched this movie back in december, two days before i turned 25. part of me was like i get it, and the other part of me was like uhhh i don’t get it. watching this in your mid-twenties is a great way to watch it for the first time, because i know i’ll interpret it differently in my 30s and 40s. the things i relate to now, i won’t when i’m older and the things i didn’t get now, i probably will when i’m older.
one thing that was interesting for me is that i never really got the title, “the worst person in the world” because i never interpreted the main character as the worst.
then i saw this letterboxd review and it all made sense.
i spend 50% of my week asking myself “what is wrong with me?”. half the time i have amazingly productive and nice days and the other half of the time an hour feels like a year and time can’t seem to pass.
i hate the things that make me anxious, and that i have anxiety when i am so blessed to live the life that i do. even when i take a deeper step to look inside and monitor how grateful i am for everything i just end up feeling stupid for feeling anxious in the first place and revert back to hating these parts of myself.
kind of like that review above, sometimes we make good decisions and sometimes we make bad ones but ultimately there is no way to copy and paste the methodology of a good decision. that would require all facets of life to be stable, which they are not.
if you follow me on tiktok you’ll know that i’ve been having an anxious week. i’ve been planning this remote working trip where i move abroad for three months and it’s stressing me out. i can’t stop worrying about if i’m making the right decisions for where to live and how i’m organizing my trip and if i’m going to be strong enough to actually travel alone and make the most of it. my anxiety had me up at 4am the other day and i realized like… “what the heck, this is supposed to be fun, not have me beside myself.”
so randomly online today, i saw the quote i opened the newsletter with: ”i wasted so much time worrying about what could go wrong. but what did go wrong was never the things i was worried about”. and i related to it - i don’t even remember that line from the movie but i connected to it so much in my moment of scrolling i didn’t even write about what i planned on saying for this week.
so i went down a hole of quotes from the movie and also pulled this one: “if i regret one thing, it's that i never managed to make you see how wonderful you are.”
i feel like i say that to myself every time i see a picture of myself in the past. i can even recognize that i’m often saying that about myself but i can never apply it in the moment.
here are some thoughts i’ve been using to reframe this situation:
a year is not a long time, but we have a lot of years. i have never been able to let go and fully let myself just live before 2022. you can focus on reaching goals and whatever you need to do for that but don’t take the length of a year for granted.
do it for you. it’s important to worry about your commitments like school and work but ultimately you’re always going to be there for yourself so it’s time to start honouring that and do things. your career is going to be there with you along for the ride but it does not define you.
just fkn stretch. don’t know how many times i need to say this but stretching literally changes everything for me. i’ve probably been more stressed this week because i don’t have a yoga mat at my boyfriend’s place for spontaneous stretch sessions. you’d be surprised how much you can clear your mind by closing your eyes, stretching and letting some of that built up tension out. helps you think clearer.
☕️ breakfast
🥗 lunches
🍲 dinners
🫐 snacks
tahini sweet potato blondies (i’m intrigued…)
if you want to keep in touch with me you can find me on tiktok, youtube, pinterest & spotify.
i would like to acknowledge that the afterglow newsletter is written & produced on the traditional territory of many nations including the Mississaugas of the Credit, the Anishnabeg, the Chippewa, the Haudenosaunee and the Wendat peoples and is now home to many diverse First Nations, Inuit and Métis peoples.
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how to roughly organize your life → routines, budgets, careers, space, priorities
productivity → how to reframe a ‘bad’ day, planning vs action, how to focus, how to set yourself up for success the night before
fitness → recharging from your workouts, i’m officially done 75 hard, halfway through 75 hard
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